(This post is emo-filtered; please don't share it with the general public.)

After class tonight my professor asked me why I was applying to so many schools in the U.K. and Ireland. Which is a fair question, because a lot of the doctoral programs *are* overseas. Anyway, I said I had family in Germany and would love to live a boat and train ride away rather than an all-night flight. All of which is true. One of the things I regret most in my life is that I haven't been able to be physically present over the last few years, and I'd love to change that.

(For those who don't know, I have some family in Germany that I'm extremely close to. Probably closer–and certainly more at ease with–than my “real” immediate family. But my cousin died in a motorbike accident back in July 2004, and her parents committed suicide in August and November of that same year.)

Anyway, the thing that caught me off-guard was that I talked about my aunt and uncle like they were still alive. You know, present tense and all. It had been a very long and exhausting day and so I certainly wasn't thinking clearly and I guess slips like that are natural enough in their own ways. But there's something about setting actually doing something like the person is still alive. It makes the situation entirely too real.

I was actually surprised by my reaction. I don't like talking with people in RL about my family over in Germany; even casual references. But I found myself being pretty open with my professor. Not in the hyperactive way I can get sometimes when I'm nervous (I'm not a good public speaker and much prefer the written word), but a natural way of talking about them, like you'd talk about the friend you just met at the coffee shop. And even after I'd realized what I'd said I didn't break down and get visibly upset or anything. I just felt (and still feel) so empty inside it aches.

I suppose this is actually a pretty normal reaction for someone in my position, and probably a sign of healthy growing that I didn't fall completely apart this once, but it's certainly not pleasant. And damn, but I miss Trier. The town, the people, the church, the weather in autumn, but especially family. The ones that are dead, but also the ones that are still alive, especially my godson Rolf. I'm really looking forward to going home at Christmas, though I don't have nearly enough time to spend there – just about a week this time.)

And you know, it's actually helpful to talk about them. So thank you for listening. *hugs you guys*